


Shattered

by Fallinfromgrace



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: After Utah, F/M, healing the doctor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:01:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21713419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fallinfromgrace/pseuds/Fallinfromgrace
Summary: In the aftermath of dealing with the Dalek in an underground bunker in Utah the Doctor has some pent up rage to release. Alone in the library he lets loose the frustration and fears he'd felt when he'd thought Rose was dead. But maybe he's not as alone in the library as he thought he was. How will Rose react to seeing this side of the Doctor? 9/Rose
Relationships: Ninth Doctor/Rose Tyler
Comments: 9
Kudos: 105





	Shattered

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for strong language and some blood.

He growled in frustration and threw the book he’d been trying to read for the last thirty minutes onto the table in front of the couch. This was ridiculous, he had a mind capable of solving maths that humans couldn’t even comprehend and yet he couldn’t keep it from wondering to thoughts of the young, and gods she was so young, women asleep in her room down the hall. Though he had a right to be thinking about her, he’d almost lost her today. Had in fact thought she was dead for a whole two minutes and 43 seconds. It had been the longest two minutes and 43 seconds of his lives. His hearts had shattered at the sound of the Dalek firing what he had thought was a killing shot. He leaned forward and ran his hands over his face, squeezing his eyes closed as he tried to push back the sweeping panic and hearts wrenching pain he’d felt in that moment. He stood up fast, kicking back the table in front of him.

He’d wanted to reach across the table and throttle Van Statten. And that pansy little Adam, leaving Rose behind, saving his own skin. And then, miraculously Rose had been alive! She wasn’t dead and his hearts had leap in his chest. When he saw her on that screen he’d wanted nothing more than to run down to her, take her in his arms and hold her forever. What the Dalek had said to him ‘What use are emotions if you will not save the women you love?’ It had rocked him to his core. How could this piece of worthless, murdering garbage see through his carefully erected wall? Did Rose know? Had she known all along? Is that why she invited that sniveling Adam on board? Was she trying to work a wedge between then? She was so young, so amazing, there was no way she felt the same as he did. Of course she’d invited Adam along with them. He was young, smart, though the Doctor thought he was a bit of nothing, and he was pretty, something the Doctor certainly wasn’t. Anger gripped his heart now at the thought of her flirting with Adam, smiling _his_ smile at him.

He picked up the lamp next to him and threw it to the floor, watching as it shattered across the floor. He turned around and kicked the table over, his forgotten book flying off and onto the floor. He stomped over to the mantel and swept his hands across it, watching as the knickknacks and pictures flew to the floor, shattering, glass flying as things broke. His hearts were hammering in his chest and his breathing was harsh and labored as he braced his hands on the mantle and growled deep in his throat to keep himself from screaming or, god forbid, crying. He was finally able to take a few deep breaths and calm his hearts but still he stood there, leaning again the mantel. After another minute or so he pushed away from it and whipped his hands over his face. His hearts skipped a beat when he saw the picture of him and Rose lying on the floor in a broken frame, the edge of the picture torn. Damn, he though as he bent over to pick it up. He brushed aside the broken glass and winced and muttered “damn” as a sharp piece of glass caught him in the palm, slicing open a good sized wound. He froze when he heard the sharp intake of breath after his wince. No! He thought as his hearts picked up in rhythm again. No there was no way she’d just seen all that; the library had been empty, hadn’t it? He stood slowly, the picture grasped in his bleeding hand. He turned and found her there, in her favorite jimjams, just inside the doorway. She looked to be shaking; god was she afraid of him? No, he thought as he looked at her, she had tears running down her face, silent tears. She was crying for him.

“Rose,” he said and swallowed hard. He honestly wasn’t sure what to say to her. How did he explain all... _that_? She was chewing on her bottom lip, a nervous habit she had that he absolutely loved, but right at the moment it tore at his hearts. “I...” And still nothing would come out of his mouth. She took a step towards him and his eyes went wide. “No,” He said harshly holding up his hand then cursed himself internally at the look that crossed her face. “Glass,” he said indicating the floor and her bare feet.

He stepped away from the mantel, wishing she would stop crying, it was breaking his all too fragile hearts. He walked over to her and wrapped his arm around her and she latched on to him, her silent tears turning to hiccuping sobs. He winced inwardly as she tightened her arms around him. His chest was still quite torn up from Van Statten, but he didn't want to worry her, so he just pushed it aside. He brushed his hand down her hair, smoothing out what was already downy soft. It took him a moment to realize she was trying to speak through the sobbing and pulled back just a little.

“I’m so...sorry,” She said through her tears. “It was...” She hiccuped and shook her head. “All my fault.”

“Oh Rose, no,” He said pulling her away for a moment so he could look at her. “No, you have no reason to be blaming yourself. Your compassion is what makes you so amazing. It’s one of the things I...” He trailed off again pulling her towards him. She thought he was in here throwing his tantrum because of the Dalek. She really thought he was mad at her for accidentally bring it to life?

“Are you ok?” She asked when she’d finally composed herself a little. “Your hand!” She gasped when she looked down and saw the blood still dripping from the cut. She reached down but he pulled it away.

“It’s fine, just a small cut.” He said knowing if she got a hold of his hand she was bound to see his wrists. And he didn't want to get into that right now. Then he wondered if he was going to get out of this without having to explain his outburst.

“You should go down to the medbay, I could help. You taught me to use the dermal regenerator.” She said with a small watery smile. He looked down at her as a thought struck him, it was really late and he’d been sure she was in bed. What was she even doing up and about? Had she and Adam been up talking?

“Where’s your new friend?” he asked hating the bite to his tone and Rose sighed.

“Ah well,” Rose snorted and rolled her eyes. “He made some overtures and after I made it clear they were unwelcome he got a little sulky so I decided to let him find his own room.” She said with a small chuckle. “Who knows where he is now.” The Doctor wasn’t sure how he felt at the moment. Enraged at the little coward trying to make a move on _his_ Rose but also elated at the fact that they were unwanted moves. “Come on,” Rose said taking his good hand and leading him from the library. The Doctor was not one to be lead around, but he knew he’d go where she asked, always.

“So,” She said as they entered the medbay. “You feel better?” She asked as she pulled him over to a bed and made him sit down. He shrugged in a noncommittal way and Rose shook her head. She walked over to the drawers and pulled one open and took out the small dermal regenerator. She walked back over and pulled over a stool next to his legs. “Give me your hand.” He just sat there staring at her. “Come on if you’re going to brood you may as well have a fully healed hand to do it.”

“I’m not brooding,” He finally said and Rose smirked at him and nodded.

“Then you wanna tell me what all that was about?” She asked as she took his wrist in her hand and turned it over. “Oh damn, I really liked that picture.” She said offhandedly. He looked down at the picture he was still gripping in his bleeding hand. It was totally ruined now, covered in blood. She pulled it from his hand and laid it on the table next to her.

“I’m sorry,” he said as she began to heal his palm. She was so gentle, hardly touching him as she slowly pulled the dermal regenerator up his palm.

“I know,” She said shifting her hold on his wrist just a little. He winced slightly and she pulled away. “I’m sorry, did I hurt you?”

“It’s okay; wrist is just a bit banged up.” He said keeping his voice calm. Rose’s eyes went to slits as she looked at him then she reached out again and gentle pushed up his sleeve and he looked away from her when she looked back up at him.

“This looks like bruising from a hand cuff, only bigger. What happened?” She asked her voice laced with worry and a tinge of anger.

“Van Statten,” He growled the name out through his teeth. There were too many emotions running through him right now and to many of them were angry. He stood up; brushing past her and her protests that she wasn’t done. “You got it on the nose Rose Tyler, exhibit A,” He sneered pulling his arms out wide to indicate himself. Rose gasped and she could see that anger simmering under the surface. But even still, it wasn’t the same anger she’d watched in the library as he broke everything within reach. “He strung me up to see how I tick, yeah? Intrusive little bastard. Can’t just ask nicely can he? Lasers and radiation, just to see how fast I heal, how does my respiratory bypass system work? Just how long _can_ I hold my breath? Is the second heart _necessary_ to live?” He asked with a bitter laugh.

“He tortured you?” She whispered and he sagged at the tears he could hear in her voice. Bloody hell, he didn't want to make her cry again.

“Ah you know, nothing I can’t handle,” he said backpedaling quickly and Rose took a deep breath before stomping over to him. She reached for the lapels of his leather jacket. He was confused as she pushed it down his shoulders and it fell to the floor behind him. “Rose what-” he inhaled sharply as she pulled his jumper out of his trousers and his eyes went wide as she began to push it up, though she was very careful.

“Move,” She demanded and he lifted his arms as she pushed it up. She pulled in a shuddered breath after she had the shirt off and could see him, standing there with nothing on above the waist. The wounds were red and angry looking, one long gash up his side and other smaller spots all over. They looked like they had already started to heal, but they still looked unbelievably painful. What the hell could have been the point of this? She raised her hands, which were still holding his jumper, to her mouth and gasped.

“Really Rose it’s worse then-” He cut himself off at the blazing look she shot him as he tried to down play the wounds that covered his chest. She stepped over to him as she dropped his shirt to the floor. She reached out as if she was going to touch his chest then pulled her arm back. When she looked up and met his eyes there were tears there again.

“Please don’t cry,” He told her softly as he brushed her hair back out of her face. “Really I’ll be fine, quick healer me.” She pulled her lips in-between her teeth and nodded, holding back the tears. Then she turned and walked over to the table next to the bed and looked at him expectantly. He nodded his head and walked back over to the bed and sat down. She pulled her stool back over and sat herself down between his legs and picked up the dermal regenerator and started working on the gash on his chest.

He took a deep breath as he looked down and watched her work. They were always close, hugging and holding hands, but they’d never been quite this intimately close before. And while all she was doing was healing the slash in his side he couldn’t help that his hearts jumped every time her hand brushed his abdomen.

“Is this,” She cleared her throat, and took a deep breath. “Is this what all _that,_ ” She waved towards the door in the general direction of the library “was about?” He looked down and met her eyes. If he told her yes, he was angry about what Van Statten had done to him she’d believe him. She’d talk to him about it, because she couldn’t not, she always had a way of getting him to open up, but she’d believe him. And that would be the end of that. He wouldn’t have to tell her how he’d felt when he thought she was dead, or how he had felt when he realized she was still alive but trapped with the Dalek. But he wasn’t sure he could lie to her, not now, as she carefully drew the dermal regenerator over his chest, keeping her hand as steady as she could so she didn't hurt him.

“No,” he finally said and she looked up at him in surprise. She could see so much in his eyes as he looked at her. She could see the vulnerability that he kept well hidden from everyone else, fear, and a strange mix of anger and hope. She wanted to ask if not that then what had caused the angry outburst she’d witnessed in the library, but she wasn’t sure he wanted to talk about it. She didn't want to push him when he was sitting here under her care. She finally bit her bottom lip and nodded her head and looked back down to what she’d been doing on his chest. She almost had the long gash in his side fully healed; one more pass over it and it should be nearly good as new. It was totally silent but for the low hum of the dermal regenerator and their breathing. She took a deep breath when she was done with the gash on his side and began to work on one of the red spots on his side. On closer inspection she could see they were deeper then they’d first appeared and she sucked in a sharp breath as she imagined them sliding some long needle or tool into his chest. She tried to will back the tears that welled in her eyes but couldn’t stop the first few tears that ran down her checks.

“Rose,” He said placing two fingers under her chin to lift her head up to look at him.

“I’m sorry, I can’t help it,” She said shaking her head. “If I hadn’t gone off with Adam, if I’d been there-

“No,” He said a little harder then he’d meant to. “I don’t care to think what that” he said a string of words she didn't understand but knew to be swear words, “would have done with you if you’d been there too.” He said shaking his head. Then he smiled at her, and it made it most of the way to his eyes. She nodded her head and cleared her throat.

“Are you in any pain?” She asked and he shook his head, though she was sure he was lying. She went back to the wound she’d been working on and was surprised when one of his hands came up and rested on her shoulder, playing with the hair that was hanging there, trying to distract himself from the pain?

“It was you,” he said after another few minutes of silence. Rose opened her mouth to ask what he meant when he went on. “I had a lot of pent up...feelings. They got a little...out of hand in the library.” He seemed to struggle for the words so Rose let him continue without looking up at him. “I thought you were dead, for almost three minutes I thought I'd killed you.” She wanted to tell him it hadn’t been his fault and that he’d done everything he could, but she just continued working on his wounds. She knew he’d get whatever he was trying to get out better if she wasn’t staring at him. “I wanted to kill him, it was a near thing.” He said softly and Rose didn't have to ask who he meant, she was sure he was talking about Van Statten. “And then you were there, on the screen, standing next to...it. Alive, oh you were so alive and I’d never felt relief like that before.” Rose had a hand pressed against the healed flesh on his chest and she could feel his hearts speed up just a little.

“How is it that something that doesn’t feel, something that abhorrer’s all emotions saw through me in a way no one else has?” Finally she couldn’t take it any longer and she set the dermal regenerator down on the bed beside his leg and sat back to look at him. She’d been totally prepared to ignore what the Dalek had said when they’d been in the bunker. Just as she ignored the looks, the hugs that lasted just a beat too long, the way his thumb sometimes brushed over her hand as they walked through a peaceful market. She always told herself she was reading too much into it, he was just her best mate; she wasn’t anything more than that to him. She had to tell herself that because otherwise she’d do something stupid, like kiss him, and ruin everything. She was shocked by the naked emotion in his eyes, the hope, the fear, the vulnerability, the... No, she had to be reading him wrong.

“So, I’d bottled it all up, have to keep going right?” He said with a small almost manic smile. “Had to get to you, get you safe, get you out of there.” He raised the hand that was still playing with her hair and cupped her face. “Those three minutes were the longest minutes of my very long life. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“Well, lucky for us I’m not going anywhere,” She said and he pulled back just a little, mentally and physically and his eyes closed off. His hand fell away from her face.

“Not now,” he countered sadly and she shook her head.

“Not ever,” She said pointedly. “This is where I want to be.”

“You say that now, but in a few years you’ll-

“Still be here, with you.” She told him as she stood from the stool she was sitting on. She was now standing in front of him, his knees on either side of her, just a bit taller than him with him sitting on the bed. She wondered if this was really happening. Was she really about to do this, was she really going to break all her rules?

“You can’t know how you’ll feel in two years, or five.” He said and she could see the deep sadness in his eyes that he couldn’t hide that. 900 years old, how many people had he lost? She reached out and cupped his cheek, and his eyes fell shut and he turned his face into her palm.

“I can know,” She whispered as she made a decision that was going to change everything. “I’ll be here, always.” He could feel her breath on his face now, when had she leaned closer? “You tell me if I hurt you yeah?” She said her voice a little husky as she leaned forward even more and pressed her lips to his.

Her lips were soft, just as he’d imagined they would be, and just as she started to pull away he raised his arms and wrapped them around her, pulling her into him and she sighed softly. He could feel her smiling under his lips and it made him feel almost giddy. Rose Tyler was kissing him, how had that even happened? He’d been sad and angry a moment ago, hadn’t he? When she nipped his lower lip he growled just a little and scooted back on the bed before pulling her towards him, tripping her up a little so she landed straddling his lap. When she laughed he deepened the kiss and ran his hands up under the thin cotton of her top.

“Rose are you in here, I-” Adam stopped as he pushed the door open and saw them on the bed, arms wrapped around each other and his face went red. “Sorry!” He all but squeaked as he backed up and the door swung shut behind him. Rose pulled away from the Doctor and looked at him and they both laughed. She laid her head on his shoulder and smiled.

“Well, that should take care of him.” She said and he laughed again and nodded his head. She started to pull back and he tightened his arms around her waist.

“Where do you think you’re going?” He asked in a low voice with a smirk.

“I’m going to finish fixing your chest,” She said and he reluctantly let her go with a frown. “Ah don’t pout.”

“I don’t pout,” he grumbled and she chuckled.

“Sure you don’t,” She agreed with a nod. “I’m going to finish your chest and then it’s off to bed for us.” She winked and he smiled.

“Could this perhaps be the same bed?” He asked as she picked up the dermal regenerator and chuckled.

“I think that can be arranged.” She said leaning over and kissing him once more on the lips. “Now hold still.”

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve always loved the 9th Doctor! I wish we had gotten more time with him. Hope you all enjoyed this little journey into his head. I’d love to hear from the readers, it’s my favorite part!


End file.
